My former partner is a manipulative narcissist. I spent months in 2015, 2016 and even into 2017 and 2018 moving through and healing from the mental, emotional, and financial distress.
And even though 2015 and 2016 were leagues better than 2014 and the handful of years before it; and even though I have done a ton of healing and restoring and learning; and even though I’m not one who is prone to depression or melancholy or sadness,
I’m realizing that’s exactly the space I’ve been in: depression.
Feeling like I’m barely keeping my head above water.
Feeling like everything is just weighing me down.
Feeling like there’s no end in sight to feeling just. . . meh.
I can think back through the past several years and remember all the really cool things that have happened in spite of all the really shitty things and fundamentally KNOW that my life is not truly shitty.
And even though I really do feel fine most of the time, the shitty feeling has been just below the surface.
Why am I sharing this?
Because life is a constant learning. It’s a constant dive below the surface to transmute all things into love.
And we can’t transmute what’s not loving until we can be with it. Until we can know it. Until we can find ourselves within it.
And when we can do that – when we can find our truest selves within the adversity – we can transmute our pain and our suffering and our discomfort into truth and freedom and love.